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on asking for help

on asking for help

‘I guess it reminded me of having a kid,’ she said finally. ‘You survive your own death,’ she added, ‘and then there’s nothing left to do except talk about it.’
— Kudos by Rachel Cusk

This winter just past, I was struggling. There was a lot of rainy, cold, wet days. I didn’t have the mental or physical capacity to keep up with the demands of parenting full-time. I would become unreasonably and irrationally angry and it started to affect my relationship with Aro. That’s when I recognised I needed a break.

We decided to try daycare two days a week. Aro would burn energy, start interacting with other kids, and learn new things. I would get a break and time to start thinking about transitioning back to paid work. Rob could focus while he was at work instead of worrying about getting home to tag me out. Even the apartment would get a little peace and quiet!

Aro has now been at daycare for four months, twice a week for seven hours each day. He is finally enjoying himself after crying at every drop-off and pick up. It’s pretty common for part-time daycare kids to take longer to settle at daycare and Aro is no exception.

Despite the torture of watching him cry at drop-off, I can see how good daycare is for him - he’s more confident, independent, and socially intelligent. He knows how to engage with other kids. I marvel when he does things I’ve never witnessed before which I figure he must have learnt from his teachers - little things like blowing kisses, obsessing over locks and latches, turning round and round in the cutest, slowest little circle.

Asking for help was the best thing I ever did.

That is why to you, this picture of my coffee, my toast and my book looks like anywhere. It is basic. It is trite. It is every millennial’s ‘gram. To me, however, it is everything. This picture is me for an hour every Monday or Tuesday, sitting at the window of a cafe, remembering to b.r.e.a.t.h.e. There is silence, there is stability, there is peace. I am all alone and I love it.

It is stillness and meditation and a big exhalation. Two times a week for seven hours each day, Aro is at daycare and I can put myself back together again a little bit. When I’m back in full-time mum mode and I feel that anywherebuthere feeling, I close my eyes and this picture is a boat I can use to sail away.

Aro’s first day of daycare

a flowerbomb for new zealand flowers week

a flowerbomb for new zealand flowers week